The beginning...

Alright here's the short version...

It wasn't until my freshman year of college when I was told to write a story on the spot whose only guidelines were that the first two words had to be "what if." The spawn of this in-class writing assignment soon became one of my favorite pieces of writing. To this day, I'm still proud of the writing I spat out in fifteen minutes but looking back, it isn't up to snuff with some other things I've written. So naturally, as the awesome writer that I am, I went back and revised this piece. I'll be honest here, I don't know how the revisions are working for me because I'm finding it difficult to revise a piece that I haven't looked at in several semesters due to the frequent distractions of things such as that pesky social life of mine, girls, and immature events that take place with friends such as the couch-surfing incident that left me with a broken elbow. Anyway, here's both versions of the story I entitled "As Cold as Ice."

Which one is better?

As Cold as Ice

What if I decided to shoot? His whole world could come crashing down and bring us one step closer to victory. This was a crafty enemy, in no way similar to his comrades. He almost appeared to be a sharp shooter, picking off my friends and squad mates one by one. We would have to think of a damn good plan if we were going to eliminate this guy before he could inflict any more damage. I promised myself and the men whose lives were under my control that I would not experience any more losses.

We had established a bunker near the road and had it heavily fortified and stocked with ammunition. This was our first step; the five of us would load up before we moved out. After stocking up on as much munitions as we could carry, we took a quick breather to collect ourselves in preparation for what was next. We were armed and ready to commit this crime.

We took the back route so we could sneak up on this guy and his men. It was cold outside and the bitter winter air harassed us all and only aided in bringing us one step closer to insanity. Every nervous breath that was taken seemed to linger in the air, loaded with caution and panic. One step at a time, we made our way towards our mark. The footprints left behind served as a reminder that there was no going back now. I could sense that the terror and anticipation of the enemy’s next move was beginning to get to all of us but we had to trudge onward.

We were able to find a nearby trench that was close enough to his base camp to establish an ambush. We stopped here to rest and let our breath catch up to us when out of nowhere we were attacked from behind. The two rebel soldiers had good aim and both targeted the same member of my team. He was hit twice in the leg before I could pick off the two of them with a couple of well-placed shots. The victim of this assault moaned in pain at the sight of his wounded leg. We did all we could for him and made sure his leg was comfortable before we could even think about continuing onward. This brave soldier insisted that we keep going and eliminate our target before it was too late. I was very skeptical about leaving him in the trench by himself so I assigned one of the troops the duty of protecting our wounded friend from further attacks. Hatred and anger now filled our eyes and the three of us clenched our weapons tight as we proceeded to our goal.

After taking a few minutes to put some thought into our attack pattern, I decided that a stealthy invasion would be the best way to go. I signaled for my two other men to sneak around back so we could surprise them on two fronts. They quickly obeyed and quietly made their way towards the unprotected back entrance of the base. When I saw that they were in position, I collected myself and yelled at them to attack, “NOW!” Rapidly, we all sprung up and hurled snowballs at the unsuspecting enemy as fast as we could. He had been bombarded to a much greater extent than any of us had ever seen and soon we knew that he’d had enough. Very slowly he began to stand up, searching frantically for his lost hat and mittens. Thoughts of shock and defeat coursed through his mind and became visible through a tear that escaped from his eye as he quietly whispered the word “uncle.” We had done it, our quest had been fulfilled and we were finally able to wield a strong sense of glory and more importantly, safety yet again. We were just getting ready to celebrate our valiant accomplishment when a loud call beckoned for me. “Timmy! It’s time for dinner!” I had to go.


And now for the revision...

As Cold as Ice – Revision

The snow was finally beginning to let up to the point that we were able to see more than ten feet in front of our faces. We’d been stalking this guy and his squadron for hours and now that the snow was letting up we had a much better chance of bringing ourselves closer. This was a more than crafty general who acted much more precise and cunning with every strategic element rattling my brain. I’d heard horror stories of the tragic fates of others who had crossed-paths with him and I was determined to keep my men away from his harassment.

We established a bunker alongside a nearby winding road and had it heavily fortified and stocked with ammunition. This was our first step; the five of us would load up before moving out. After stocking up on as much lethal mayhem we could carry, we took a quick breather to collect ourselves in preparation for what was next. With a long exhale into the paralyzing ice-fueled air, the pursuit began. We were armed and ready to commit this crime.

We took the Western route to establish prime levels of stealth amongst the nearby trees and unnecessarily large snow mounds. The freezing winter air was violent, picking away at our flesh and bringing us that much closer to insanity. Every anxious breath lingered in the pestering air accompanied by intensifying levels of caution and panic. One step at a time, we made our way towards our mark. The footprints left behind served as a reminder that there was no going back now. It was obvious that we were all horrified of the anticipation that comes along all war-time fiascos, but we had to trudge onward.

We were able to find a nearby trench that was close enough to the enemy base camp to establish an ambush. It was nice to get the equipment off our backs and take an overwhelmingly long sigh of relief that we’d made it this far. Just as we were beginning to regain stamina, two rebel soldiers came charging at my unarmed squad and before I could scramble my men to find their weapons, one of our more versatile soldiers was hit twice in the leg. Just before the enemy soldiers could inflict any more damage, they were both hit in the chest by the first one of us to find his weapon and fire in their general direction. The victim of this assault moaned in pain at the sight of his wounded leg. There was nothing we could do to make him more comfortable in the bitter cold with a painful injury. This brave soldier insisted that we keep going and eliminate our target before it was too late. I was very skeptical about leaving him in the trench by himself so I assigned one of the troops the duty of protecting our wounded friend from further attacks. Hatred and anger now filled our eyes and the three of us clenched our weapons tight as we proceeded to our goal.

After taking a few minutes to put some thought into our attack pattern, I decided that a stealthy invasion would be the best way to go. I signaled for my two remaining soldiers to sneak around back so we could surprise them on two fronts. They quickly obeyed and quietly made their way towards the unprotected back entrance of the base. When I saw that they were in position, I collected myself and yelled at them to attack, “NOW!” Rapidly, we all sprung up and hurled snowballs at the unsuspecting enemy as fast as we could. He had been pummeled to a much greater extent than any of us had ever seen and soon we knew that he’d had enough but none of us could relent. The continuing violence was unyielding to any meager thoughts of compassion or remorse and we continued the bombardment until no ammunition remained.

Very slowly he began to stand up, searching frantically for his lost hat and mittens. Thoughts of shock and defeat coursed through his mind and became visible through a tear that escaped from his eye as he quietly whispered the word “uncle.” We had done it, our quest had been fulfilled and we were finally able to wield a strong sense of glory and more importantly, safety yet again. We were just getting ready to celebrate our valiant accomplishment when a loud call beckoned for me. “Timmy! It’s time for dinner!” I had to go.