Ever gone to a party, dance, club, shindig, or box social and taken notice of an obnoxiously loud individual who seems entirely too into himself? I say himself because rarely do we ever see females acting in such an inappropriate manner. This guy usually dresses in a way that screams egotism and follows this up by acting just as egotistical. This guy does not care about what others think of him and typically proceeds to act as loathsome as he can just to garner a few extra annoyed looks from other party-goers.
We’ve all seen him at some point or another so this question can be easily followed up with another question. Ever wish you could be “that guy” at the party who seems to think he commands the attention of everyone in the room? Don’t worry ladies; this article does not exclude you because these directions can easily be manipulated on unwilling boyfriends who are simply just too lame.
I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a fool-proof set of directions to turn the ordinary, nice, intelligent, well-groomed, generally liked male/boyfriend into a full-fledged party animal to improve friendships and attract women in a variety of social settings! So come along with me on an adventure to rattle the ages and warp your perception of human morals.
Step one. Be sure to dress the part. If you want to accomplish this task properly then you’re going to need the correct attire. You’ll need some clothes that let the rest of the party know, “hey, that guy just got here and god damn is he sweet.” Start off with a polo shirt that is at least two sizes too small for you. Popped collar? You bet your ass. The jeans are also an important part of the whole ensemble. Be sure to select a pair that is so full of holes it’ll look like you were mauled by a rabid raccoon on the way to the party. Next comes footwear. Typically that guy will wear a pair of flip flops that you could find at Wal-Mart for $3 but instead you should put great consideration into purchasing a pair from a retail outlet in the mall, such as American Eagle. Expect to spend at least $30 so everyone knows that your flip-flops are expensive and kick ass. Next, you’ll want to find the whitest possible baseball hat you can find. Take said hat (while remembering not to curve the beak because that adds unnecessary comfort) and place it on your head at an angle so off-kilter that it actually feels awkward. Lastly, buy seven or eight Live Strong bracelets of varying colors for your dominant wrist. I’m not sure why, just do it.
Step two. You should really familiarize yourself with the closest gym or YMCA in the area. This is almost mandatory because it is imperative that “that guy” take care of the rippling muscles in his biceps. You won’t be needing many of the machines at the gym, just stick with the arm curl machine and free weights for those bicep curls and possibly tricep kickback exercises. You need not bother utilizing any of the other machines because your arms are what women are going to see through your size 3 polo, popped collar t-shirt. You can follow up on this by holding your arms against your hips all night at the party and flexing your muscles through your shirt. It has been scientifically proven by an unaccredited source that nothing arouses a woman more about a males appearance than large biceps in a tiny shirt. Sexy.
Step three. At the day of a party or a night you plan to go out with your homies, boyz, dawgs, brah’s or buddies, be sure to let them know in even increments throughout the day exactly how drunk you plan to get at said event. It is also very important to follow up on this by getting just as drunk as you told them and then proceeding to announce to those homies exactly how drunk you just got. For added affect, you could pass out face down on the front porch with your pants around your ankles because urinating will prove far too difficult.
Step four. When announcing your presence at a party it is crucial that you provide yourself with an appropriate nickname. A good rule of thumb here is to take the first letter of your first name and add an obscure noun or adjective to the end of it. Some good examples are T-Funk, J-Dawg, G-Billz, and K-Mart.
Step five. Now that everyone knows that the life of the party (you, you sly so-and-so, you) has arrived, the shin-dig can finally get underway. Start out by finding everyone you’ve ever partied with before and giving them an obnoxiously loud greeting that repeats several letters in some of the words. Something like, “Oooooooh shiiiiiiit J-Rock is heeeeeeere. The party can finallllly get starteeeed! Who wants to get druuuuuunk?!” will do just nicely.
Step six. Drink your face off. You could start by merely chugging several beers in succession but if you really want to do things right you should have numerous Jager-bombs to get the ball rolling. If you’re unaware what a Jager-bomb is then you should probably put this article down, find a nice sweater and vest combo and go play tennis or something. Once you’ve downed several Jager-bombs, chugged several beers and pounded many shots of your eighty proof or higher liquor of choice, then you’ll be all set for steps number seven and eight.
Step seven. It is important that you leap into every photograph being taken at the party. This is especially important if the subjects of the photographs are women with their arms around one another, smiling brightly. This smile is essentially inviting you to disrupt the nature of the photograph with your excellence. It is also important that you raise your arms high in the air and hold a sexually appealing grin on your face when the photo is taken. When the girls review the photograph and notice “that guy” in the picture, you should find that they are already aroused. Also, as an added bonus, your Facebook account should explode with photo tag requests, thus fueling your ego even further. You’ll need to send a friend request on Facebook to every single girl you saw at the party as well. It is also never a bad idea to write comments on their account that elude to drunken fiasco’s, sexual innuendo’s or your biceps.
Step eight. Hit on every woman at the party. By coming on to every single woman at the party, your odds have been mathematically proven by an unaccredited source to increase your chances of getting laid. The approach is probably the most important part of this section. Make sure you’re dripping with confidence of a success while making your approach. When she notices that you’re on your way over to her, you could try giving her a sensual wink or an upwards head nod to let her know that you’re going to give her the time of day. God damn is she lucky. As the gap between yourself and your target narrows you should be scanning your mind and selecting the most appropriate pickup line possible. “Sup baby? I couldn’t help but notice you noticing me, and I wanted to come give you notice that I noticed you back.” If she isn’t already swooning over you then you may as well just move on to your next target because if that doesn’t work, then nothing will. A good rule is to chug a beer every time you feel like a woman isn’t good enough for you because she isn’t reacting to your game. Alcohol has been scientifically proven by an unaccredited source to drastically increase the confidence you’ll already be immersed in.
You shouldn’t find it difficult to follow these steps and I know you’ll have fun in the process. Take it from me, R-Shark, these directions are sure to increase friendships, improve your sense of style and allow you to obtain more females than you ever thought possible. Guaranteed*.
*Not an actual guarantee.
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